Fashion Design Life Ep 2: High School Reflection

What is judgement but the manifestation of disappointment?

Projecting insecurity onto others relentlessly?

Catapulting your heroes to places they never asked to be?

Holding them on a pedestal so high you steal their humanity?

Judging their walk?

Thinking that the world is crumbling down over an image you can’t maintain?

That you thought defined you?

You think you’re “the smarter girl”

You go to one of the best schools in the city.

You think that you ARE “pretty”

Have it all together

Go about things the “right” way

Want popularity

On your way to school everyday you pass another high school.

In your mind this school reeked of rejects of your school who couldn’t keep up.

Because everyone knows that when a students gpa drops and they get get kicked out many go right down the street to this school..

It reeked of ugly uniforms and lack of opportunity to you.

Because obviously environment equals talent.

Clearly resources equal skill and people should absolutely be judged for what they  have, where the go vs who they are?

You dreamed of getting to this magical world of high school and becoming all that you thought you “should” be

Because growing up in a conscious and familial type environment can get frustrating for a wannabe.

Being surrounded by teachers who sound of mama and baba who only want you to manifest all the light that’s inside you.

The light that keeps spilling out to your demise. The light you feel keeps getting in the way of your “coolness”.

Being in an environment where your getting in trouble sounds like, Halimah you’re acting other than yourself.

“Hey well, if it takes acting other than myself to get what I want.. I’m cool with it. I’ll play my role.”

But what happens when you realize none of this actually even feels good to you?

When you think the put together happy black family image is taken away?

When 9th grade biology and the thought of being engulfed in so much science and math kill your acceptable doctor goals?

You then choose lawyer as a goal.. thinking it can equate.

You choose to transfer your 10th grade year to a different school then because of personal complications had to leave again.You wanted to return back to your original high school….but of course you  couldn’t because of full enrollment.

You’re stuck– but isn’t that how life goes?

What is a story of God shaping you without you having to go right down the street to the school you ridiculed, the school you thought was less than , the school that YOU THOUGHT YOU WOULD NEVER GO TO?

What builds humility other than looking as if you flunked out and could only turn here? Putting on that uniform, enrolling in classes… “you’re graduating from here” your mother says. Tears of shame drench your face. Embarrassment. Anger.

There is nothing for your pride  to feed on here.

Look how large the expense is for seeking validation? Look, how you have to turn against yourself to even strive for it and even after paying there is no guarantee it will get to you. There is no confirmation email. There is no tracking number. This type of thing is a gamble of one the greatest kinds because even if it comes it will wobble, it’ll will be broken, it won’t be what you expected, won’t look like the picture the customer service will be absolutely terrible, there is no return policy.

All you can do is take the pieces and make them your own and make them useful.

We love the idea that there is someone or something else outside of ourselves that is the answer to our hearts longing-that will validate us in a way only our creator can. But YOU have an essence that which has been with you from the beginning and nothing is satisfying about playing your role when you were created to live your purpose.

But just as new freshmen hallways turn into senior locker clean outs healing comes and these days, I realize the only thing constant in life is change..-that “I DON’T WANT TO GO HERE’S” can turn into life changing experiences if your heart is open.

That reality has a way of being much kinder than the lies we make up about it. That when you feel like all of your false senses of validation are gone, you lean on truth in a greater way. You resolve to commit to only that which makes you happy. That you don’t have to know it all and there is much solace to be found in “I don’t know”

and that every experience you have is meant to serve your soul and help evolve you.

That you’re as beautiful as the sunrise, as powerful as the ocean tides, and as strong as the mountains. When you live in and on purpose…submitting to the truth of who you are. The essence of your being defines you. When you have this knowledge, you realize that everything you will ever need is inside you. That outward validation has nothing on inner confidence.

I remember at graduation as we took pictures my mom had this moment where she looked at my dad, them both looking at me. so proud and joyous…and she said, “we did it!”. It was at that moment, I felt like I realized my face wasn’t a graveyard, my body wasn’t the manifestation of a failure. It was a testimony. It was love in human form. I’m the essence of everything they’ve ever done right, and the manifestation of the prayers of my ancestors.

I don’t need anyone or anything outside, to be WHOLE.

Let’s Start Over|Fashion Design Life Ep 1

May this be an oasis of love in the middle of a storm. May June 2, 2017 1:42 am be the moment a symbol of revival garnered form.

Dates that possess memories holding uneasiness seem to be my greatest finds”
why did you believe in me?” it felt like I was asked to to explain how I breath?
Then I remembered how what comes natural isn’t always what’s normal. How that aspiration has us neglecting the beauty of submission, clenching this whirlwind of damage called regular guised as a warm embrace.
What is a “loss” but a symbol of an aim worth loving worth fighting for? What is “getting lost” but proof of sheer will to embark on a journey’? Heartbreak and nerves album and performance born. Rough experience, great book- comfort torn awkward moments, beautiful friendship defined. The feelings that can’t always be captured and shined.
Why isn’t process seen as aesthetically pleasing? To me those feelings light my soul like I’m the earth and the sun is rising. I love and believe in their power like the universe believes in the stars its enclosing. Like bees believe in the flowers they pollinate. Like the trees believe in us and our weight. They don’t know how to go astray.
As a girl I felt neither did my mother. My mother was my first fashion icon. Enamored by the way she walked in their womanhood. like on 10 -Head up, shoulders back, face with the light of endurance glistening. She walked with grace like she knew her body was home. Willing to define a new culture, ignoring beauty trends and submitting to the truth of who she was like it was the only thing she knew how to pray for her.
She taught me how to pray. As she finished she told me this was a time I could talk to God personally- ask or thank him for things. Honestly, I couldn’t believe this power. I would sit alone and pray for every issue or good thing I could ever imagine. “How’re people able to be answers to prayers?”I asked. I would pray until my body couldn’t hold up anymore -vast amount of passion, my father always said we could be by focus and purpose? He made a calling or mission sound like a super power.
Who are you? What makes you who you are? Is it snatching scarves for fabric out of closets you couldn’t reach to drape together as clothing? Lisa Landry and Raven Baxter allowing you to think girls like you you could be whatever you chose? hallways turning into runways? Diary journals turned into doodle pads for days? Body becoming canvas to express a style? Learning your mother isn’t the only one who can teach because you you get older and the world fights to teach girls like you different lessons.
Lessons like how to make fear the filter under which you believe whats possible, like how to be so knee deep in the fear- not being conscious that you’re even scared. Like- how to give up artistic dreams for sensibility and practicality. Like- how to get to events and change to fit in places that don’t feel like home. Like- how to wear skinny jeans so tight they actually hurt just because “they’re in”. Like- how to desire attention you don’t actually want just because it’s “in”. Like- lying to yourself about how you much you wished who you really were was were was just “in”. Everyone has their own yellow brick road finding it and staying on the right path is the hardest part generally.
Ihdinas siraatal mustaqeen what is a journey I mean-Is it being teased for dressing differently? Is it that same difference being your attracting power–consequently? Is it starting with what you got? Is it feeling like yourself Is it feeling like yourself? Is it feeling like loving you ain’t as complicated as you felt? Is it having a belief so deep in where you’re going that it don’t even matter how embarrassing your start may be? Is it feeling like you ain’t gotta be the cool kid cause you got purpose.free Is it only applying to the school you want to go? Competitions that make you grow? Fashion show, internship, homesickness? Is it learning how to balance goals, starting a business? Is it travel? Is it pain? Is it stopping? Rerouting? Is it standing, bending, kneeling?
I’ve been creating stuff here for years and the work that always appears to means the most is the stuff where the creation process felt like a conversation with God. I don’t want it to simply be about me. I think to create means to be using my hands and my body, my skill and my talent as a means to embody content that the creator desired to see when he created me. My life as a fashion design student can become a manifestation of something greater. Yes it’s about me pursuing my dreams but it has other themes. College life, fashion school, building skill, learning, building courage, manifesting love inside and out. It’s about young womanhood and all those things that come with it- fashioning the life you desire.
So welcome to this series, welcome to my channel. I hope clip by clip bit by bit you can see the beauty of fashion, the opulence and elegance of style, the inside scoop on the fashion industry and honestly the story of a little girl who just wanted to dress ppl, who wanted to make people feel like they mattered. This is an introduction for some. a reintroduction for others. and for all of us a new beginning this is Fashion. Design. Life. ep 1

I’ve been on youtube for 5 years and after all this time of creating, living life, and learning about myself. I feel as if I’m finally starting to actually hit a breakthrough in terms of what my vision for my content is and my personal aesthetic is. Artistry takes time. Having a message with meaning takes time. Knowing how to create content and branding that expresses what you mean takes time. I’m not saying I’m there but this is a new beginning of something great. Thank you for following me on this journey and I’m excited to embark on this process of episode by episode telling my story. I pray that in vulnerably acknowledging my truth that it can free you of yours.

HalimahNia,
The Modest Fashionista

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