Projecting insecurity onto others relentlessly?
Catapulting your heroes to places they never asked to be?
Holding them on a pedestal so high you steal their humanity?
Judging their walk?
Thinking that the world is crumbling down over an image you can’t maintain?
That you thought defined you?
You think you’re “the smarter girl”
You go to one of the best schools in the city.
You think that you ARE “pretty”
Have it all together
Go about things the “right” way
On your way to school everyday you pass another high school.
In your mind this school reeked of rejects of your school who couldn’t keep up.
Because everyone knows that when a students gpa drops and they get get kicked out many go right down the street to this school..
It reeked of ugly uniforms and lack of opportunity to you.
Because obviously environment equals talent.
Clearly resources equal skill and people should absolutely be judged for what they have, where the go vs who they are?
You dreamed of getting to this magical world of high school and becoming all that you thought you “should” be
Because growing up in a conscious and familial type environment can get frustrating for a wannabe.
Being surrounded by teachers who sound of mama and baba who only want you to manifest all the light that’s inside you.
The light that keeps spilling out to your demise. The light you feel keeps getting in the way of your “coolness”.
Being in an environment where your getting in trouble sounds like, Halimah you’re acting other than yourself.
“Hey well, if it takes acting other than myself to get what I want.. I’m cool with it. I’ll play my role.”
But what happens when you realize none of this actually even feels good to you?
When you think the put together happy black family image is taken away?
When 9th grade biology and the thought of being engulfed in so much science and math kill your acceptable doctor goals?
You then choose lawyer as a goal.. thinking it can equate.
You choose to transfer your 10th grade year to a different school then because of personal complications had to leave again.You wanted to return back to your original high school….but of course you couldn’t because of full enrollment.
You’re stuck– but isn’t that how life goes?
What is a story of God shaping you without you having to go right down the street to the school you ridiculed, the school you thought was less than , the school that YOU THOUGHT YOU WOULD NEVER GO TO?
What builds humility other than looking as if you flunked out and could only turn here? Putting on that uniform, enrolling in classes… “you’re graduating from here” your mother says. Tears of shame drench your face. Embarrassment. Anger.
There is nothing for your pride to feed on here.
All you can do is take the pieces and make them your own and make them useful.
We love the idea that there is someone or something else outside of ourselves that is the answer to our hearts longing-that will validate us in a way only our creator can. But YOU have an essence that which has been with you from the beginning and nothing is satisfying about playing your role when you were created to live your purpose.
But just as new freshmen hallways turn into senior locker clean outs healing comes and these days, I realize the only thing constant in life is change..-that “I DON’T WANT TO GO HERE’S” can turn into life changing experiences if your heart is open.
That reality has a way of being much kinder than the lies we make up about it. That when you feel like all of your false senses of validation are gone, you lean on truth in a greater way. You resolve to commit to only that which makes you happy. That you don’t have to know it all and there is much solace to be found in “I don’t know”
and that every experience you have is meant to serve your soul and help evolve you.
That you’re as beautiful as the sunrise, as powerful as the ocean tides, and as strong as the mountains. When you live in and on purpose…submitting to the truth of who you are. The essence of your being defines you. When you have this knowledge, you realize that everything you will ever need is inside you. That outward validation has nothing on inner confidence.
I remember at graduation as we took pictures my mom had this moment where she looked at my dad, them both looking at me. so proud and joyous…and she said, “we did it!”. It was at that moment, I felt like I realized my face wasn’t a graveyard, my body wasn’t the manifestation of a failure. It was a testimony. It was love in human form. I’m the essence of everything they’ve ever done right, and the manifestation of the prayers of my ancestors.
I don’t need anyone or anything outside, to be WHOLE.